There seem to be a lot of mosquitoes tonight, reminding me that I should hang up a mosquito net. Surprisingly, there is also a companion who is suffering from insomnia.
Love, for me, is a luxury. I have never experienced love or being loved in the past. So the more I lack it, the more I long for it. I have also defined my own exclusive love in my heart. I have had many ideas about my other half and even searched for them according to those ideas. But I have not found that perfectly beautiful love in my heart. What I have found mostly is pain, sighs, and helplessness.
I used to be a carefree young person, pursuing the ideal of love. What's wrong with that? Why do I have to endure one injury and indifference after another? The beauty I anticipated has never appeared, but I have been repeatedly struck.
Injured by love, seeking love for healing. Later, for a period of time, the reason why I longed for love was simply to use someone else's love to heal the wounds I have suffered. However, even though I tried to interact with people of different personalities, the answer I eventually found was: we are not compatible.
I never thought that studying psychology was to peek into other people's souls, but rather to heal myself. Everyone has some degree of trauma in their hearts, and some people easily recover and forget with someone to love and care for them. But I am alone, and I can only become stronger to avoid being consumed by pain.
After I believed in the Lord, I have been praying to Him and even arguing with Him. Why is it so easy for others to obtain love, while no matter how sincere I am, I cannot?
After I believed in the Lord, I presented every relationship before Him, asking Him to choose. The previous relationship was with a non-believer, so I begged the Lord. I knew I couldn't be unequally yoked with a non-believer, but I asked for the Lord's blessing. If we couldn't be together this time, I would give up the idea of having love in this world. Thank the Lord, He chose someone who loves Him for me.
Your appearance was unexpected to me. I never thought that we would have so much communication. We can even joke together.
If you hadn't appeared this semester, I would have taken a long time to recover from the shadow of disappointment. I would definitely spend my time watching dramas and playing games every day. I never imagined a future together. I would keep QQ open all day, looking at a long list of friends, but not knowing who to talk to.
Because of your appearance, infinite vitality seems to have emerged in my ordinary and plain life. Because I no longer feel alone. There is still someone in this world who shares the joys and sorrows of every day with me. I really have no other demands, can I be too greedy? I have been lonely for too long, and I even forgot how to entertain unexpected guests like you.
Forgive me for loving you more than you can bear, maybe I unintentionally crossed the line. But I really want to have a girlfriend who is as lovely and understands my heart like you. It seems that I didn't communicate with you, and unconsciously treated you as the only person I love. However, I ignored your needs. You need someone who can be by your side. Regarding this point, I really can't do it.
What I write, actually not many people read. But you finished reading it. Honestly, I am touched. Because the original intention of what I wrote was for the person I will love in the future to read. I hope that future person can have a way to understand me, not just based on my appearance and status. Although many things I have experienced alone, I want to share these private experiences with her. I once secretly thought that she could read what I wrote. And if she is interested, she must be my future partner. This idea may be a bit hasty, but over the years, many people have read it, and you are the only one who read it from beginning to end. Actually, I don't really believe that you would read it, because it seems that you are not an artistic young woman. Actually, I had a certain positioning for that future person, at least she should be an artistic young woman, able to write poetry and learn music. But at least you know music.
So, when you finished reading my journal that day, I was really shocked. I immediately said a prayer in my heart, and from that day on, your name appeared on my prayer list.
Did I not consider what you are considering? At that time, I complained to the Lord a bit, why didn't He give me a sister who is closer to me instead of a long-distance sister. I didn't want my first emotional experience to be a long-distance one. But I think this is the beauty of the Lord's plan, because being separated by distance can preserve our purity. It can also test each other and not hinder each other's lives, not hinder our spiritual growth because of love. So in the end, I gave up my complaints.
Maybe I thought too simply, thinking that love only requires longing in the heart. Because the spark of love often only lasts for a moment, I hope my love can burn slowly, not seeking grand gestures, only wishing for a long-lasting love. So, I don't mind time and distance, and I don't mind that you and I have not yet established the fact of being boyfriend and girlfriend. The title of boyfriend and girlfriend actually implies a responsibility and a limitation. It is like a rope binding the hands of two people. I once thought about establishing a relationship with you because I really don't have much security. But later, I thought about it. I was originally a lonely person, and now someone is willing to accompany me for a while. Why should I use a rope to bind her and not let her go?
For you, it's the same. Treat me as a passerby in a certain journey of life. I come, bringing joy. I leave, without disturbance.
There are quite a lot of mosquitoes tonight (I should hang up a mosquito net tomorrow).
I heard that if a person can't sleep, it's because they appear in someone's dream. Have you dreamt of me?